You know what I liked most about the movie? When I say I liked it, I actually mean it. I drove slowly and drove down home at an average speed of just 40 kmph. Floated on the road, literally and when I almost got ran over by a rash Innova, and happened to catch up with the errant driver at the next traffic light, I stepped out of the car respectfully and reasoned with him. I asked him, 'Is someone dying?
In the first hour of the movie, it suddenly hit me. I was the guy on that screen. No, I don't connect to a spoilt brat of early twenties with a father full of 1000 rupee notes. And I didn't have too much of trouble making pass grades. So how did I actually connect with Sid?
I realised this today. Believe me, today I have everything I ever wanted badly. I have a stable life now. My father who gave me sufficient trouble in early years of my career is a changed man now. I have a house, I have a car that I positively adore. I'm less lazy and more matured. For Godsakes, the only person I ever desperately wanted, the only girl I really loved, she's with me now! I could never ask for more. Yet, I failed to follow up on my dream to become a writer. I made a decent start last year. More than decent actually. I was in my element, writing away comfortably. But a few hiccups in life, I took a break from writing. And sadly, lost the momentum.
There I was, sitting in the movie theater, and I realised it all of a sudden. I dodn't need anyone's help to become a writer. For everything else, I had the support of circumstances. Fate, luck, God, call it what you may. I call it God these days. And I told God today, 'I don't want your help for this. You put everything in else in place. And now it's my turn to get to this dream.'
As I write this blog entry, I just realised how much I changed in the last 6-7 months. Can I still write sad stories as I did in the past? You know, that's what actually put me away from the blog for so long. Apart from the lack of internet at home ofcourse. But that's never been a real excuse. It is just this immense sense of happiness in life. The same happiness that eluded me forever. I have a lot of work to do at my job and a sense of realisation that I still have a long way to go to be close to the best in the business. I'm not cynical anymore about the mismatch between efforts and results. This self-realisation actually motivates me to be better. And you know what? I actually like it when I'm motivated!
But that's not the source of my happiness. Certainly not. What keeps me happy these days is her company. Something I missed for a long time, since I left for Russia. The sense of emptiness that was developing when I was to leave for Canada, is now filled with joy. And yet, standing where I am, the past few days saw me wondering if I'm doing the right thing by getting into this commitment. That was chiefly due to two reasons:
1. Fear that the fun we have together won't last. And there will come a day when we are bored of each other. What will happen then?
2. Pure, unadulterated commitment phobia! Doesn't need a lot of explanation, does it? If you know me sufficiently well, I mean. ;-)
So here I was, watching the movie. Oh yeah, right. It was a Karan Johar produced movie. And a couple of months ago, I bought a pink bed cover too by the way. Did I tell you already before? I am a changed guy now! :o
So here I was (again), watching the movie. And I had this sudden realisation (like I said before). I said to myself, why should I even worry about the girl situation now? I mean, isn't this what I wanted for very long? Then why the fear now? Why the phobia! I have been coveting her company for a very long time. Beat that, she has been coveted by a lot of people besides me. I don't know the number of people who walked up to her and expressed their liking for her. She refuses to quantify it for me, but I know the kind of girl-in-demand she is. My point is, inspite of the horde of suitors she generated for herself, I'm the only one she likes! What the fuck is my problem then???!!!!
So I decided to put my phobias to rest and enjoy the beauty of what I have. Soak in the scenery, like I did when I drove slow today after the movie. Know what I mean?
That prompted me to write. Because I want to be a big writer and achieve something great. So that I can make myself deserving of such a great girl! Such great girls don't deserve quitters. Really!