Brown Waters in the Muddy Stream...
I forgot to live since the last time I smiled, and I await an end to this misery in this dark room with blinds drawn. I stare into the void without, filled with grey rain, and rue the missed opportunities that the same rain offered once. I used to love rainy days in childhood. But now they bring just despair and depression. I pine for the lost happiness and what is not mine. Rain brings misery these days pushing me into a dark abyss filled with emptiness. The same emptiness that has been my only companion throughout the last few years. The grey, cold, unending, crushing emptiness that is mine and mine alone.
Thousands of Feet Below...
I fly. I fly in my dreams and nightmares. I fly to escape this emptiness. I fly to get distracted from myself. For I know that I am my own doom, I am my own death. I fly into far off lands filled with greenery, to forget my own grey life. But the greenery is out of my reach. I fly above it and wonder what it takes to have a green life. I look at myself flying and wonder if I can land. I fly, but I'm afraid I'll fall. And my presence will destroy the greenery. I fall, and I fly again. I fly leaving the lands grey. As grey as my own world. As grey as me!
I Belong to the Shadow that Follows...
I look down and I see a shadow of myself in the brown waters in the muddy stream, thousands of feet below. I get this overwhelming desire to abandon all and join the shadow that is following me. I can connect to the shadow, and see myself in it. I sympathise with its plight at being a mere shadow of something else. Of being bound to something else that it never wanted to be. Of being a misfit in its world, but with no chance of escape.
Not to this Choking Trap...
People around; people fastened to their seats; people in straight jackets pretending to be sane; people in chains; people dead and acting to be alive; people preventing my escape; people and circumstances. I remember the breath that I lost. The connection that snapped. The chains to my ankles. The shackles on my hands. The trap that chokes me. The cage that binds me. I dream of breaking free. I dream that I descend to the shadow to see what it is like.
Looking for light in the dark shade...
I look around for a guiding light. But all around me is dark. All around me are grey. They are as despondent and wretched as me. They can't help themselves, how will they help me? I grope, I grovel, I grieve. But there is no light that draws me to it. No light that can help my gloom.
Reality is blinding me...
I realise. I realised the light that i was looking for. I realised it was within me. I woke up to the reality. But it is too strong for me, too overwhelming. I can't bear the void giving way to truth and emptiness shunted out by responsibilities. I am not made for it. I don't want this light. I break into a run. I see myself running back to my emptiness and my despair. I shudder. I dare not turn around to reality. I detest my former void. I don't want it either.
Neither Here Nor There..... Hanging in Mid-Air.
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