Tuesday, May 07, 2013

Study finds that sunlight is key to Car Sales

Suddenly, the Automobile industry is the barometer for the health of our economy. Business TV channels and nerdy Chartered Accountancy students no longer consider the stock market indices with semi-pornographic names like 'Bombay Sensex' as the indicators of economic progress in the country.

Stock markets are at all time high levels, but there's talk of
recession in the air!

Everybody knows the country's economy is sinking because no one is getting increments this year, even though every company, including that Jap company Maruti Suzuki which had a lockout for a whole month, made record profits this year. Employees have the unique opportunity to celebrate the tremendous financial success of their companies, while working 40 hours a week extra to keep their jobs in a company that's barely surviving this terrible downturn, all at the same time! It all comes down to automobile sales. The verdict is out now, and India is sinking fast, slowly waving its diamond and gold studded hand like a tragic clown in a Raj-Kapoorian tragedy.

I got all this insight from a 'research report' by some enthusiastic analysts who, through some clever statistical trickery and excel charts, found that the automobile sales in the country seemed to have a 'strong correlation' with Sensex. After reading that, I laid down arms and surrendered to enemy forces because the Zenoian paradox this presented. Here are the facts:

  1. Fact 1: Stock markets are soaring and are touching nearly the all time highs that they saw in late 2010, feeding on news of record profits and excellent prospects ahead.
  2. Fact 2: Automobile sales are falling like old men crossing the street in 'Road Rage' video game. (Remember Road Rage? No? God, I must be getting really old!) Auto sales have shown a year-on-year decline for several months and it is a clear indication that there are bad days ahead.
  3. Fact 3: Our genius research agency finds that there's a strong 'positive' correlation between stock markets and  the automobile sales.
After the initial onset of bafflement-induced coma, I decided to find a solution to this paradox so that Zeno can rest in peace. In my search for the solution, I stumbled upon a purely random set of data on http://www.india.climatemps.com/ that cleared the fog and opened my eyes. Here it is:

Average Sunlight hours/day in India by month
I didn't cook up these numbers folks. You can go and check out the link I gave above. This data is real! And it so happens, that this trend also has a strong correlation with the car sales in the country. Such a strong correlation that the trend lines look totally in love and almost inseparable! And in that, lies our solution, my friends!

Car Sales and Average Sunlight lines look like they want
to have Sensex right now!

The sunshine hours per day, apparently, exclude when we have a cloud cover in June and July and all those stupid monsoon months. So, here's how we can save the economy:

1. If we somehow manage to have a bad monsoon, by divine intervention or nuclear action, we can have more sunshine per day

2. Also, if we banish a few states in the North where the winter nights are longer, like Jammu and Kashmir, Uttarakhand, Punjab, Haryana and Uttar Pradesh, we can have more sunshine. Actually, in Haryana and Uttar Pradesh's case, there's more than one reason to banish them. The very fact that they are no longer in our Union will bring more sunshine in our lives!

3. Alternatively, if we somehow persuade Sri Lanka to join India, in spite of the free nuclear reactors they are getting from China, there can be some hope.

4. Since there is at least one instance of Sun God making an unseasonable appearance to impregnate Kunti, some of our enterprising movie actresses may give it a try in the larger national interests

All in all, my analysis proves that there is an urgent need to increase average sunlight per day in India. Otherwise, our economy is doomed and all of us will have to protest outside the F1 circuit like the Kingfisher employees!

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