A Forgettable Conversation

"NAME" she demanded suddenly, with a colon at the end of the word.

There was no introduction, no welcome and I was a bit taken aback. I mean, I expected a warmer welcome! The girl who smiles on their TV advertisement misled me. They should not put pretty girls with smiling faces in advertisements, when the reality is so rude. I told myself to be patient with her now, and try to work on her with my charm. You know, just to soften up the conversation and make it a bit more pleasant for myself! I like things that way. However brief, I'd like all my conversations to be warm and touching. I may not want people to leave thinking they just met the next Jesus Christ, but it doesn't hurt when they say to themselves 'nice!' after talking to me. I really like things that way!

"DATE OF BIRTH" she demanded again. With the colon at the end still hanging tight.

My temper was running loose now! I mean, if someone wanted to know my age, I'd like them to take a guess a first. And when I reveal it, I want them to compliment me on my boyish looks and the newly gained fitness. Not just jump straight to the exact date of my arrival! What kind of a bank is this? Do they teach any manners here?!

But I needed that account and they are the cheapest in their account charges! I assumed they were the most friendly too, looking at that pretty girl on TV! Her name is N_______ I think. She also acts in a daily soap, mostly sobbing through her screen time. But she is really pretty. Got a sexy figure too! You should see her dancing. She's got an amazing derr....

"FULL ADDRESS WITH PIN CODE"
What the....! Isn't a guy allowed a little private thought here? Who runs this Guantanamo Bay, for God's sake? She is so rude! I mean, I know I had fallen into a bit of daydream about N______ but this is not the way someone should interrupt me! I'm about to be an esteemed customer in this place, damn it! Does that mean anything to anyone at all here? There are so many people sitting behind the counters with zombie-like countenances and the computer screen reflections on their shining faces! Can't any of them shake the cobwebs off their joints and deal with me? I find myself stuck knee-deep in rudeness here!

"TELEPHONE NUMBER (PLEASE MENTION EXTENSION NUMBER, IF ANY)"
Listen! I know I'm here only for the low account charges you advertised! I know I'm a bit low on the dough and want a cheap deal. But I'm not so cheap! Believe me! When you know me better, you'll see that I'm a likeable guy! Why don't we work over this conversation a bit and....

"PAN: _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _"
Can you fuckin treat me with some fuckin respect here? I'm fuckin trying to talk to you!
I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I shouldn't have used the F word. But I'm not demanding much, am I? Just a little civility to a guy who wants to do business with you! Can you give me that atleast? I really want to open an account with you!

"WOULD YOU LIKE TO RECEIVE PROMOTIONAL OFFERS FROM US? IF YES, PLEASE TICK HERE"
That was the final straw! I crumpled her angrily and threw her into the dustbin. Then and there! Somone in the zombie staff looked up with a bit of amusement while I was stomping out. But I didn't care! I have a little self-respect left still, damn it! And I won't tolerate such rude talk from an uncivil piece of application form, however crisp and sleek!

In Pursuit of Sadness

He kept searching for sadness all his life, for he couldn't bear to be happy. He didn't have to try too hard, as he had a lot of reasons to be sad. He was now sure that there was only one more person left in this world, that loved him still. For three days, he didn't do anything beyond keeping himself alive. Even that, he did in a mechanical routine, subconsciously. He was invisible in the society even earlier and no one really felt his absence. Or his presence. Except for those three months that came to an end three days ago. For those three days, he just woke up in the morning and went to sleep at night, filling up the space with his pursuit of sadness.

The anti-depressants tried their best to distract his attention. But it was as useless as distracting a man stuck in the middle of a universe-sized desert with a fistful of sand.

The biggest superlative he could think of to describe his life was 'meaningless'. He tried to find the smallest adjective.

She lived a life in his dreams for those three months. A life worth living ten times over. But he saw her in the arms of another man three days ago. The proximity between them didn't trouble him as much as the happiness on her face. That she was looking happy in that compromising position, made him lose his last shred of hope to come out of the desert. It was like waking up in a mirage that was an oasis until yesterday. For three days, the picture of her face blocked all his memories. Not the same face he always saw in his dreams, but the happy face she had when she leant on another man's shoulder.

On the fourth day, he wrote a letter to the only person in the world who still loved him. He posted his letter and his diaries. He came back to slit his wrists and let the sadness in him run on to the white tiled floor. In a crimson streak that flowed into a puddle at first, later running along the gaps between the tiles.

That was the only way he knew to escape his past. And pursue his sadness elsewhere.

Here ends the life of the loser. And his story begins...

Destiny Flight..... On the Run

Brown Waters in the Muddy Stream...

I forgot to live since the last time I smiled, and I await an end to this misery in this dark room with blinds drawn. I stare into the void without, filled with grey rain, and rue the missed opportunities that the same rain offered once. I used to love rainy days in childhood. But now they bring just despair and depression. I pine for the lost happiness and what is not mine. Rain brings misery these days pushing me into a dark abyss filled with emptiness. The same emptiness that has been my only companion throughout the last few years. The grey, cold, unending, crushing emptiness that is mine and mine alone.

Thousands of Feet Below...

I fly. I fly in my dreams and nightmares. I fly to escape this emptiness. I fly to get distracted from myself. For I know that I am my own doom, I am my own death. I fly into far off lands filled with greenery, to forget my own grey life. But the greenery is out of my reach. I fly above it and wonder what it takes to have a green life. I look at myself flying and wonder if I can land. I fly, but I'm afraid I'll fall. And my presence will destroy the greenery. I fall, and I fly again. I fly leaving the lands grey. As grey as my own world. As grey as me!

I Belong to the Shadow that Follows...

I look down and I see a shadow of myself in the brown waters in the muddy stream, thousands of feet below. I get this overwhelming desire to abandon all and join the shadow that is following me. I can connect to the shadow, and see myself in it. I sympathise with its plight at being a mere shadow of something else. Of being bound to something else that it never wanted to be. Of being a misfit in its world, but with no chance of escape.

Not to this Choking Trap...

People around; people fastened to their seats; people in straight jackets pretending to be sane; people in chains; people dead and acting to be alive; people preventing my escape; people and circumstances. I remember the breath that I lost. The connection that snapped. The chains to my ankles. The shackles on my hands. The trap that chokes me. The cage that binds me. I dream of breaking free. I dream that I descend to the shadow to see what it is like.

Looking for light in the dark shade...

I look around for a guiding light. But all around me is dark. All around me are grey. They are as despondent and wretched as me. They can't help themselves, how will they help me? I grope, I grovel, I grieve. But there is no light that draws me to it. No light that can help my gloom.

Reality is blinding me...

I realise. I realised the light that i was looking for. I realised it was within me. I woke up to the reality. But it is too strong for me, too overwhelming. I can't bear the void giving way to truth and emptiness shunted out by responsibilities. I am not made for it. I don't want this light. I break into a run. I see myself running back to my emptiness and my despair. I shudder. I dare not turn around to reality. I detest my former void. I don't want it either.

Neither Here Nor There..... Hanging in Mid-Air.

Suicide en masse

How do you start a story? I've been writing a story for 8 years now, but never liked the beginnings i write. I did not end it so far, but that's another story!!

I aspire to be a writer. I thought I had it in me to be a successful writer. But I'm not so sure now, because I hardly find time to write! (Or is it that I don't have anything to write about?)

I guess I'll have to do something about it instead of just dreaming. But then, unless I dream, where will I get the ideas from?

((Background voices: "Aw, cut it all, buddy!!! And just go to sleep, will you?"))

Ok.. Ok. I'll drop the topic, I guess people are bored already of 'aspiring writers' anyway!! But I have another passion too. Photography.

I got so interested in capturing images, after I met this friend of mine who was an amateur photographer. I declared to people that as soon as get my first salary, I would buy an SLR and start the mega project. I must have drawn, lemme see..., 84 salaries since then? And all I own now is a point-n-shoot Cam that came free when I bought a telephone connection!!

Without losing heart, I tried to utilise the god-send and started clicking at the images of all Durga Pandals last year. But it turned out that the film was ISO/100 and all open-air images were BLANK. Now, where will a man go with all this kind of conspiracy against him, eh???

((Background voices: "Man, don't you listen to reason?? You and your blasted passions, just leave us alone!!!!!"))

Fine, fine, fine! No more stories of despair from me. Relax and go out for a cuppa with your girl friend. Atleast you have a girl friend!

Look at me! I'm one incurable romantic, as the cliche goes! I had a crush on 37.45% of the females I met, fell hopelessly in love with 57.62% of the females I ever talked to (even if it is only something like, "Oh! Are we supposed to bring our own musical instruments?" to a fellow aspiring singer in school. I never talked to her after or before that!) and am ready to propose to 90% of the girls who considered me a friend even for a moment. And I'm not counting the movie actresses, Ad-models, TV anchors, Pin-ups, various characters in the books I read etc etc.

And I don't have a girl friend today! "Not that I can't get one but I just did not meet anyone who met my expectations"

((Background voices: "Drop dead, loser! Who cares if you are only a bum? Stop the crap before our ears start bleeding!! Come on away from the computer or we're going to shoot your head off!!"))

Sure. Why not? I mean, when a guy filled up 16 passport applications in the past 7 years, but never ever submitted even one, what else can you say to him? I even accumulated 50-odd passport photos for the purpose!! I am actually planning to submit it tomorrow, unless there is.....

((Background sound: BANG.. BANG.. BANG.....))

(this is something I wrote in late 2004 on my profile on ryze.com - republished)

The ultimate Outsourcing model!

This is a path-breaking outsourcing model. This will revolutionalise some people's way of looking at life and establish sustainable business models that replicate real lives and maintain the flexibility of everyone's dreams!

Unbelievable? Sounds like an Asian Sky shop Ad or something? Nothing of that sort!

Read on, you'll agree with me.

I've been developing this concept for some time now. Researched a bit, took feedback from folks and generally been giving teasers to people. Not a single soul objected to the thought. Everybody saw the merit at the first go.

This one talks about outsourcing 'married life'. A very novel idea, yet something that we have been seeing around the society for a long time.

First, let me list out the major activities in a marriage (of an average middle class god-fearing citizen whose marriage gets 'arranged'):
1. Companionship (usually comes in the later part of marriage, at about the life stage of middle age. Before that it is a slowly advancing flirting relationship)
2. Societal/Familial obligations and relationships (festivals, attending marriages, garbha, picnics)
3. Kids, their upbringing, schooling etc : a whole chapter on its own
4. Sex - free, regular and healthy (regular only in beginning and free of only direct costs)
5. Fights with your spouse
6. Food at home daily, cooked by either spouse depending on who calls the shots.
and lastly, but not the least
7. "Love"

Only with all these things together and in the right doses, one can claim a full and satisfied married life. Agreed? There are several other small things ofcourse, but we'll stick to the major ones only for our model. When I come up with my company, I'll cover for the smaller ones too.

If we sit down and analyse, we can come up with outsourcing solutions for all of the above and everything else, rendering marriage replaceable in society completely. How?

I have certain no brainer ideas like:

Current Activity in Marriage
1. Food
2. Sex
3. Kids

Outsourcing Solution
1. Hotels, Cooks at home
2. Paid sex, abstienence, masturbation
3. Adoption. Everyone in Hollywood + Anjelina Jolie does it

And I have slightly complex solutions like:

Current Activity in Marriage
1. Society, Family life
Outsourcing Solution
a. Customers forming fun groups within themselves. Happens naturally
b. Short period Live-ins: whenever you feel you want someone to go around for lunches with relatives or only during festival season etc
c. 'Living in' only during day time: Spend time with your outsourced spouse for 1 hr before and 1 1/2 hr after office + two phone calls while in office. and 3 full weekends in a month, fourth is off for the weekend trip you wanted to take with your friends (you don't need society or family when you are asleep - you save some costs on outsourcing)

The below ones are Path-Breaking outsourcing solutions and ideas (and soon to be patented)

Current Activity in Marriage
1. Companionship
2. Fights

Outsourcing Solution:
a. Best friends, we help you maintain contacts and keep in touch. Arrange reunions and make sure you enjoy your friend's company
b. Trained 'companions' who stay with you as long as you want. If you change the companion, the previous one would pass on the full list of 'memories' to the successor
c. Based on the profiling reports on you, we can schedule fights over phone, physical and 'leaving home' experiences.

One can see how there is a solution for everything. But what of balance? Teamleaders on the floor monitor your 'outsourced married life' actively and whenever there is an overdose in one aspect, they reduce the supply and introduce new ones immediately. Theirs should be a Six Sigma process, if my plans go well.

I found solutions for almost everything. Well, almost.

However, I got stuck on the aspect 'LOVE'. Pretty tricky thing, since there are a lot of views on this one. One can't just create 'love' or pretend there is 'love'. It has to be 'felt', I'm told. I never believed in Love, since it isn't above the level of basic human emotions and not the 'decided by God himself' phenomenon.

I thought, enquired, searched, advertised and prayed. Yet, there was no solution in sight for outsourcing Love.

And then, the miracle happened! On a friend's advice to see a milestone event with my own eyes, I went to see the ultimate Karan Johar movie - KANK.

I felt betrayed by the friend, ofcourse, but the movie gave me a solution to my problem. It was so simple, yet I missed it completely until then. May be because I don't see Karan Johar's works including the Koffee blabber-show.

But I realised that though rational thought dismisses the notion of 'Love' existing, one thing kept it alive and running. Bollywood chiefly, followed by regional language movies. But love mostly is nothing but 2-3 songs and some lines with double meanings in most movies.

However, when people feel that 'pure love' emerges out of scenes where Shahrukh khan feels jealous that someone else's wife is caressed by her own husband and gets revenge the next day by screwing her in a cheap motel, that is when I realised 'pure love' exists only in Karan Johar movies. Not even in real marriages.

And there you are! My model is evenly balanced with all those great outsourcing ideas to help people, evenly balanced with emotions, real people, rest and lower cost in the long run - and the biggest benefit is complimentary from my side: 1 Karan Johar Movie per quarter to give you ample doses of 'pure love'.

Why, you won't find any marriage more perfect than this!

(recovered with 1st Jul 07 date stamp)